On being reserved, open, closed, guilty, happy, depressed, todo

Hey there gringos and non-gringos alike. Here I am in Barrio Bellas Artes at the nice internet café where all the gringos go apparently...it's weird to be here in tourist season. Things are going really well, but this place, for as nice as it is, doesn't want people to use their bathroom (and what else is new, I have to pee!), and I'm super hungry, so I´ll probably cut out of here soon.

I finally had a night with some awesome Chileans my age, with this guy Francisco Zo put me in touch with and some of his friends, in Barrio Bellavista. It turns out there are some quirkyalone Chileans! And bike people, so even better. They're going to put me in touch with someone who's done my route and hopefully with someone who has a bike for me to borrow. Anyway, ya mucha mucha cerveza and I am a tired girl today though happy happy to feel normal and social again.

Shit, I leave three weeks from today, and I already feel cheated. Not enough time! Yesterday I looked at bikes (I think I told you already) on Calle San Diego, which is where there are a couple of factories, if you will, where they build frames, and at least a dozen bike shops with tons of imported crappy shiny bikes, mostly mountain bikes and "choppers." I only saw a couple that looked interesting but am holding off on buying anything for now. I also, however, also stumbled upon an amazing bookstore, a huge space with thousands of volumes of used books, really cheap--and some magazines and records and other trinkets. And of course, some in English, so I am alas coming home with more books, which I already started to read. Now onto Never Cry Wolf by Farley Mowat, a really fun one. Too fun! So I didn't do much today except wake up, hydrate, read, go to the post office, and write here. I'm hoping things fall into place this week, because I'm felling a little anxious about getting to Chiloé and out of this city, as excited as I am about the new people I just met.

Whew! Dude let me use the bathroom (again...I was shy to ask for it again, isn't that silly?). Now all I have to worry about is hunger and being stuck in this neighborhood if I'm not going out with Francisco again...Anyway, I have a little time, I think I'll write up some of what I was thinking about on my busride from Mendoza to Santiago yesterday...goodness, what a long day that was...Here are my fresh thoughts from the departure from my magical few days in Argentina:

After having finally spent time with and gotten to know some Argentines--not too many, mind you, just Mendocinos and the compañeros from La Rioja--I can now better put my finger on what is is about chilenos (by way of comparison)...Obviously I love my Chilean friends as they are and can still see beauty in the chilenos I have met. But the thing is that I think they are a very insecure people in general, and that's why they worry so much about what everyone else is doing. That can be especially jarring as a foreigner because it means we get way more attention than elsewhere.

But maybe I'm projecting also. These are just my impressions. Maybe I say this now because I've got perspective from Argentina and finally have been in really good comapany (not that I haven't had a good time in Chile with my friends. But I guess it's many things, like that I'm more together now than when I lived here, and also that I feel better about myself after having been around the bunch of Argentines I just met, who are way more confident in themselves.

It's just like that--you feel shitty about yourself so you seek out things and people that keep that going--and you internalize it--and I think that is why Chile has meant so much to me. I had some of the worst months of my life here...and yet it is still a special place to me...am I a masochist? But of course, returning to the sight of the pain shows the potential for healing, and that is where I am going with all of this. No matter the "national culture" I think I find, I am only responsible to myself, and I have much to learn from everyone I meet.

It's a very pessimistic view, but it really makes sense. Aparte, lo he pasado bien acá. But overall, I think it's true that Chile often reinforced my insecurities rather than challenged them. I see that in the new campaign they have in the Metro to sell Transantiago: and also in the guys I dated when I was here and the kinds of relationships I had overall with people when I lived here. I couldn't really help myself, I fell victim to the situations I found myself in.

But it is the thin country, after all, and it's a land therefor that diminuitizes every cosita. Sometimes I feel small, and I remember that feeling, even as I was stuffing my face and gaining weight (still haven't lost it!), of wanting to be small, disappear. Of course I can't generalize about all of Chile from this, but I don't think it's a crazy thing to say, that it's overall a timid and serious country...hmmm, and I often find myself feeling timid and serious and reserved...And Argentina is just different, I think, more open, more light-hearted, well, Italian...

And you feel the opening up when you cross over to Argentina...it just feels like a sigh and an opening up of the chest when you descend from the cordillera from Chile, into an open land that's not hemmed in so tightly by mountains and ocean.

And on the way back to Chile, I am catching the reverse, a kind of claustraphobia, but realizing I do have some control over the matter. Which is why my trip has been perfect so far--the first 2 out of 5 weeks in South America (I should say, away from home, because I haven't yet hit the two week mark for Chile) have set me up well to handle the challenges ahea. It was a perfect start to my trip to be in Mendoza among people I feel comfortable with...I feel more comfortable with myself.

Oh, in my dream last night, I went camping alone--something I had said (in real life) that makes me nervous. It was an interesting dream--I know that parts of it are recurring from previous nights, and parts are dealing with some subconscious issues--going into the basement where my rooms were as a child, the underground of my childhood, dealing with my family. But Erik was also there, and it was a dream to show me the way. That with maps and lights and a sleeping bag and my Zo Bag and my bike, I can go anywhere and do anything and it also doesn't matter where I am, because I know where I am going, igual.

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Then my journal takes a very personal turn, to musings on monogamy and guilt. But the upshot is that it's actually all tied together. I wrote: "It seems that Chile could be a place for me to come and feel guilty about me, about my heart. And yet what is the question I have been asking myself these last few weeks--Can I be myself here, in another language, in Chilean? And there is no skipping over these questions of the heart. It really sucks that I was raised and got socialized in guilt that would pass over who I am and what is best for me...

"The guilt is all around me, not just in relation to monogamy. Do I want to do something? Am I otherwise convinced of it politically/emotionally/rationally--or do I take on the responsibility for what someone else might want from me without evaluating it with my heart and my own interests and beliefs--and then feel guilty if I don't do what I think others want? Or guilty for betraying my own heart/beliefs/desires? Where does that happen, that I shut off my feelings on the matter? What fears touch off this spiral into guilt?

"But when I settle into this heart of mine, I am amazed and awed at the possibilities, of all the love and passion and compassion. I am reminded of the origami Zo made for Valentine's Day over a decade ago that he recently shared with me. As you open it up, the message is simple: JUST BE YOU and a beautiful configuration off all the things you would love to do to take care of you."

Do what you love to do...The heart is pure, and guilt is messy business. Easier said than done, of course, but until we have rebuilt this world around human need, it's the best we can do to stay sane.

And with that, I'm off to call Francisco and hopefully eat very soon!